Saturday, May 31, 2008

Tales of a Wardrobe Malfunction

Any of you ladies ever experienced wardrobe malfunctions? Now relax, I'm not going to the "Super Bowl" place on this particular topic.

This specific wardrobe malfunction will focus solely on hosiery and hosiery alone. This is rated "G", thankyouverymuch! Sit back and (hopefully) enjoy this recent incident I'm about to share with you.

One Sunday morning, I was walking into the church sanctuary and for every step I took, I could sense my pantyhose were creeping downward just a little. "Houston, we have a problem". It started an inch below my waistline, then I could feel the waistband resting mid-hip, and it just started going south at a rapid pace from there. It's like the dam had burst and there was NO holding it back now! I had a flood of Leggs pantyhose on my hands, folks! I just knew if I didn't do something quick, I'd most certainly be hosting a pile of nylons around my ankles any second.

My options were limited, as services were JUST about to begin and I was serving on worship team. I had to be on stage, ready to go with my game face ON at the stroke of the first note. No time to run (or even hobble) to the restroom!

So, I scrambled and enlisted my trusty soprano counterpart to stand guard outside the storage closet just off the sanctuary. I only needed three seconds to give them a good tug and GO, GO, GO.

I ducked in the safe confines of the closet, and frantically began tugging and pulling and darn near had my skirt over my head when ...... are you ready ...... the doorknob turned and in a milla-second's warning, our band's guitar player barreled into the room. YES, at the exact--worst--moment.

I don't care if you're Heidi Klum, people -- viciously wrestling with your pantyhose while hoisting your skirt in a dark closet isn't a good look for ANYONE.

The poor guitar player was just as startled, alarmed, and scarred for life as I was! It seems my soprano (former) "friend" had gotten sucked into a vortex of idle chit chat and was completely unaware that our protective barrier had been breached. For the record, she would make a lousy Navy Seal. To this day, I wonder if it was all an elaborate set up, beginning with the hosiery company ......

My face is still red. But you gotta love it.


Jennifer said...

Oh my word! It sounds just like my nightmare when my maternity skirt split up the back and I had to get on stage to speak. God bless the worship team behind me!

Alicia said...

Oh my gosh-that was SO funny! I would have died-you've handled it so much cooler than I would have!