Saturday, September 19, 2009


My sis-in-love (hee hee), Laurie, sent me this, which I thought was hilarious:

If you read this without laughing out loud, there is something wrong with you. This is dedicated to everyone who ever attempted to get into a regular workout routine.

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my daughter (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Pam, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My daughter seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.


Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Pam waiting for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with beautiful bouncy brown hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Pam gave me a tour and showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Pam was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!


I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Pam made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Pam's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.


The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Pam was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Pam put me on the stair monster. Why the heck would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Pam told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other crap too.


Pam was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Pam took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. She sent another skinny witch to find me.

Then, as punishment, she put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.


I hate that witch Pam more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Pam wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher.

Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


Pam left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my daughter (the little &*%) will choose a gift for me that is fun -- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

Friday, September 18, 2009

Sticks and Stones .... and Bikes!

We love living in a quiet cul-de-sac. In fact, I believe once you've experienced the carefree life of cul-de-sac living, you'll never go back! The kids can play without mommy stressing over speeding cars. All the kids' playmates are always out front, playing basketball, riding bikes, scooters, a neighborhood baseball game -- you name it. It's like a slice of Americana that Rockwell would have done well to capture on canvas.

Well.....almost. The other night, a neighbor had guests drop by. While they chatted on their front porch, the guests' 3-year-old boy took off running towards the cul-de-sac, aka the hub of activity. Wouldn't you know ..... that little guy dashed right in the path of my daughter's 10-speed bike. According to Holly's official witness statement, "He appeared out of nowhere, and I tried to avoid him!"

Oh dear.

She ended up running over his leg! We all felt terrible about it, but knew it was an honest accident. Well guess what? HIS LEG ENDED UP BEING BROKEN ABOVE HIS KNEE CAP! So for the next six weeks, he'll be sporting a full leg cast, and his mom will undoubtedly be cursing the 10-speed that mowed him down like an ant.

We'll be staying indoors for a while and avoiding the dangerous cul-de-sac.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

A Little Sample

Have you heard the saying, "Find something you love to do, and then figure out a way to make money doing it"?

I just love playing around with florals. And I actually get paid to do just that! I've been helping a local interior decorator with her business, and am now in charge of all her custom florals. This is just a little sampling of what I've been up to!

And by the way, these are PUNY compared to some custom arrangements I did last week!

Thursday, September 3, 2009

Easily Amused

When browsing through pictures stored on my camera the other day, I happened upon these shots...... Looks as though lots of fun was had while I was away at work. I can't even quite make out what they were into -- maybe toothpaste, and a chocolate spoon from cake batter?! It doesn't take much around here to have a great time!