Thursday, January 22, 2009

Brutal Realizations by way of a Poodle Skirt

The truth hurts. May I begin by saying "OUCH"?

As I mentioned in my last post, the kids & I threw a big surprise "Fabulous 50's" party for Greg's birthday. Prior to the big shindig, I had been feverishly sewing poodle skirts every time Greg left the house. They turned out so stinkin' cute, friends! Except mine.

Mine just wasn't working out right and not cooperating ..... so I had the brilliant idea of simply taking one of my existing skirts and merely adding the decorations of a poodle & leash. EASY BREEZY! The finished product looked adorable, and I was oh-so pleased at my innovative-ness. I may have even bragged a time or two.

Then it was time ...... all the decorations were up, food table ready, and the guests were expected to start arriving any minute. And oh, sweet adrenaline! I hurried my hiney upstairs to drape myself from head to toe in festive party duds -- and promptly hit a snag. Or should I say "sag"?

That doggone skirt was SKIN tight and had apparently shrunk while hanging in my closet. That's the only explanation I can come up with! And while a "Girl Next Door" might be able to pull off the look of a skin tight skirt, this Lane Bryant poster girl will continue to wear long, flowy skirts as the Good Lord intended. And in compliance with the petition the neighbors circulated last spring when I washed my car in short shorts.

So I was faced with quite a dilemma. My head-to-toe 50's outfit was missing the piece de resistance ..... the cornerstone of the whole outfit. The FOUNDATION, folks! As I stood there, mind reeling, I heard the most horrifying statement: "Mom! The guests are here!"

All I could do at that point was throw on a pair of jeans, give them a roll or two at the hem, and call it good. I'm still grieving for the poodle skirt that would have been ...... and mad at myself for not planning better. I mean really, WHAT KIND OF DUMMY DOESN'T TRY ON THE SKIRT FIRST BEFORE SPENDING HOURS DECORATING IT?!

It was, however, a wake-up call. I can no longer deny that a few or more pounds have found their way to my lower extremity. They like it there and migrate to that destination with the fervor of old folks heading to Florida in the winter. In fact, I don't even think those pounds even need Mapquest nor a GPA system to find my hips. They're on auto-pilot, those buggers!

So, it seems God used a poodle skirt to open my eyes ...... and motivate me to make some changes. Apparently, Hurley's (from LOST) diet plan isn't working for me. And I guess you're supposed to be a "swimmer" to be able to consume 10,000 calories a day like Michael Phelps. Deep down, that feels a bit prejudiced, just because I don't know how to swim.

So I'm determined to try crazy, radical self-discipline, like limiting myself to only 3 candy bars a day. And maybe, just maybe, by Halloween that stinkin' skirt just might fit and I can dress up like a 50's girl. And if the pounds are still around, I'll just hunt for a hat with a gigantic bow on it, and dub myself "Aretha at the Inauguration"!

How about you? Did those holiday Butterballs and fudge catch up to you too? What have you been doing to battle the bulge?


Alicia said...

Your writing is good!

I only WISH I could blame my pounds on the Christmas holidays!

Jenny said...

You are officially hilarious!!! And yes, the holidays have been bad. If Christi hasn't ever made "Mama Sara Cookies" for you, then she hasn't turned you to the dark side. And unfortunately I have learned the art of that perfect cookie.....and it ain't pretty I tell you. When my 19 month old can say "cookie dough" perhaps I should stop making them? So, that's my new diet...only a dozen of so cookies a week....You think it will work?